I’m planning on writing at least a page on Extra Body once I get to the office, but I haven’t left yet, and so I’m starting on a bit of a blog post, which I plan to finish with an update on what I write. I don’t want to get out the laptop computer and use it at the house before I leave.
I have some unfortunate news‒unfortunate for me, at any rate, though it may not matter much to anyone else. Yesterday, May 9, 2024 AD, at roughly 3:25 pm Eastern time, I suddenly began to have tinnitus in my left ear, matching what I have had in my right ear since…about 2007, I think. I have very poor hearing in my right ear as part of that process, and it’s hard to tell what’s going on with my left, so far. I can only say that it’s quite distressing. I felt like I wanted to scream in the office yesterday afternoon, when it happened. I still want to scream. It’s been going on for just over 13 hours now, and there is no sign of it abating.
I fear this may be the proverbial final straw for me. I don’t know if I can go on like this. There are already so few motivations for me to continue living, and so many things that make life unpleasant. I really don’t know what to do.
It’s slightly interesting that the pitch in my left ear is almost identical to the pitch in my right ear, just perhaps an eighth of a step lower. I’m not sure what might be behind that fact. Perhaps that’s the pitch range at which my cochleae are most vulnerable. I am not really sure how I would find out.
It’s worth noting, though, that there is no internal evidence of any form of “beat” phenomenon such as would happen with real, external sounds that are close in pitch but not exactly the same, as their waveforms go back and forth between constructively and destructively interfering with each other. This makes sense, of course; they are not real sounds but are neurological phenomena, and are occurring in opposite ears, and are thus initially processed in different sides of my brain. The “beat” phenomenon in slightly dissonant pitches is a literal, physical, external phenomenon, not a neurological illusion. This, at least, my current experience is making clear and convincing to me, at least provisionally. I guess I knew it already, implicitly. Has anyone else out there had this experience?
Anyway, as I said, if this bilateral tinnitus continues, I don’t know if I can. It’s one thing after another, or rather, one thing on top of another. Chronic pain, dysthymia/depression, insomnia, possible ASD, solitude, and now double-tinnitus. My cup of hemlock runneth over, and maybe it’s time I just quaffed that motherfucker.
I guess I can give this a few days to see if it resolves. I’m not optimistic. Since the right ear tinnitus began, in the latter parts of the first decade of this millennium, it has waxed and waned in intensity, but it has not stopped for a moment. But one instance of a phenomenon does not a pattern make, though my knowledge of the subject from a medical point of view gives me more data, and it’s not comforting.
I’ll take a break writing now, for the moment. I’ll complete this post later.
***
Okay, well, I wrote 728 words on Extra Body, which was basically one single-spaced page. I guess that’s good, considering the circumstances. It’s nice when the office is quiet‒it’s quieter than the house is when no one is here, because at the house, except in deep winter, I have to have the AC and/or fan on or it becomes unreasonably hot.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do, though. The ringing in both ears is constant, like that high-pitched noise they play that only young people are supposed to be able to hear. I don’t even want to play guitar or anything, for fear of it interacting.
I guess I’ll see what happens. I’m off this weekend; maybe the noise will abate. Or maybe I’ll finally go fully mad, like the Master in response to the drumming sound in his head. Which reminds me, the new Doctor Who “season” starts tomorrow. I guess there is that to which to look forward. I really like Ncuti Gatwa so far, so hopefully it’ll be nice. I’m off work this weekend; my coworker will be back in the office today.
I hope you all have a good weekend.